Dana's Animated Mind

One thing people might wonder about me if they caught glimpses of my mind, my work, and such. They might wonder if I am hiding something beneath the shell that looks like a Tech Support guy. The truth is I am hiding nothing.

Unlike most ideologies, I don't believe in suppressing my darker nature for any particular reason. I once did, and it nearly destroyed me. It is my belief that you need to recognize the darkness in you, and find a safe outlet. I chose a few outlets that helps balance it out. For the public, they know it is my art, but I have a few outlets only shared in private.

The idea came to my head after watching Spiderman 3. Yes, think what you want about the film, but it was interesting to see the two different personalities. It was also interesting how someone doesn't remain in control, and it drives you to the deep end.

I have known this information for a long time. When I was younger, I had experienced more then any teenager has the ability to cope with. Of course, if you read my previous blog you would think I had enough to deal with in regards to my health. The truth is I dealt with problems and issues my whole life, but manage to still come out alive.

However, when I was in my teen I always tried to keep my inner beast in. It was socially acceptable right? It was Un-Christian to think the thoughts I do. The beast has no mercy as it will break through you and start turning you into something you are really not. I have destroyed swing sets, I've gotten nasty with my parents, and pretty much the world sucked.

It wasn't until 18/19 that I started to calm down, but wasn't quite there. I came to Arizona, and then really calmed down. I also found an outlet to express what was inside. Not art yet, but I did write a lot. It help to settle me down. Thank god as I think colitis would of been harder to deal with if I didn't.

Of course, at the time I started having colitis, I was doing artwork and getting good at it. When I revisit those years, my doctor and his nurse always said I was the calmest person in my position. Remember, I had severe active ulcerative colitis. Imagine the amount of pain I was in, and I didn't display a lot of anger. Well, when it attack and started sending the pain, I swore a lot but no where close to how much they said others did. They could tell at points I was scared, and there is nothing wrong with that. When something is threatening your life, you don't have to be macho. It's ok to be scared. I think part of the reason why I was so good at being calm was I had outlets to express my fears and frustration so I didn't take it out on anybody. Well, all the time anyways. A few have been subjected to my colitis rage.

Thankfully right now I am still good, and my mental state is healthy (in comparable differences anyways). I have accepted my darkness, and I have embraced it. By doing so, I am the one in control and I am the master of this body. I think the Yin and the Yang is probably best piece of advice ever given. The balance..it is all about the balance. Without darkness, there cannot be light.

Sometimes I sit here wondering what the hell I am doing here, and I conclude that a lot of people go through the same thing. During a conversation with a co-worker, she was left in shock of the hell I go through and still bounce back from.

Early November 2001, I started getting very ill. I know this year was known for the infamous attack on the World Trade Center, but never the less. I started having internal bleeding that would result in an Emergancy Room visit. To put it lightly, my Supervisor told me to either go home to change clothes, or go get medical attention. I chose the latter thankfully.

They kept me in the hospital overnight for observation, and considered myself stable enough to go home. They wanted me to see an Internal Medicine and Gastrointerologist, and I did one of those. My world was in a whirlwind, and so I was very confused and concern. A few weeks later I had my first colonoscopy, and they determined I had ulcerative colitis (although on that much medication, I didn't clearly hear what they said) and I was alone. I was given a prescription of Asacol, and kept working for about 6 more months in Enfield Connecticut.

Then I got sicker although the bleeding was less by consideration. I eventually returned to Arizona to live with my parents, and thought I had irritable bowels. I mean, I had doctors telling me all sort of crap, and it just didn't make any sense.

Then I got really sick once again although in consideration, I never got better. I was sitting on the floor when one of my co-workers came over, and look at me odd. Now, sitting on the floor may be consider an act of laziness, but I was pale. I had more then likely lost some blood and my blood pressure dropped a little. Finally my supervisor, who knew me when I worked before I went to Enfield, came over and looked concerned. He knew I was not lazy, and that I was honestly feeling a lot of fatigue. He sent me home, and I called a doctor.

What happened after that point was he couldn't figure out was wrong with me. The symptoms I said didn't match IBS on a generic level, so he gave me a recommendation to see another Gastrointerologist who he knew was very good. I also went on a medical leave of absence because obviously something was very wrong and I didn't know if I was in danger or not. So a month of not working went by, and I finally saw the doctor, Dr. Rock.

He did some blood work, and scheduled another colonoscopy. I went back to work, but I took it easy. At this point, I didn't officially know what I had, nor did I have any idea of the implication or impact it would have on my life. So imagine my fear, and uncertainity. At that point, my mood had became different. Depression even kicked in, and I got quite hostile. I stopped talking to my sister for over a year due to the way my mood was, and it was quite ugly.

This fear quadruple when my blood tests came back that I had a 77% chance that I have Crohns. That disease is outright nasty, but given the levels of my White Blood cells (in case you are wondering, both Crohns and Ulcerative Colitis can be detected by overactive immune systems as it thinks there is a very large infection) that was a strong possibility. So I went for my second colonscopy, but he couldn't clearly see anything so I had to do another one.

It turns out that I officially had severe active ulcerative colitis, and if I had stayed in Massachusetts (where I living from October to April), I would of died. It was that bad, and that badly treated before.

So you might be thinking that now I got an official diagnosis, it is an easy ride to get it treated? I wish.

The initial drug that I was put on was Prednisone and Asacol. Now, Prednisone was done at extremely high dosages, so if you look at the side effects you can imagine what I went through. Sadly enough, I didn't get better. So I was kept on Prednisone and put on a cocktail of colitis drug and Imuran.

Imuran is the most devastating drug I have met aside from Prednisone. Imuran in a nutshell is an immunosuppressant drug. If you want a description, I was practically an AIDS patient. While it helped me get better, it also caused more problems. I kept getting Bronchitis, and a few incidents it almost turned into Pneumonia. Think of the length of time it would take the average patient to go from Cold to Bronchitis to Pneumonia if it goes untreated. A week or two, right? Now consider I could be there in less then a day with Imuran.

On the bright side, Medical Attention is a lot easier to get when you state you are on Imuran. If you go into the Emergancy Room and say you are on Imuran and you got a bad cough, that could be considered a life or death situation. Typical wait time in the Emergancy Room has been 3-6 hours, I was seen in less then an hour that day I went for the first time. Part of it is because of the severity of the drug, and another is that they don't want me contracting anything else. From that point on, I just had my Mom call the doctor, and they easily set up an appointment.

At that point, my other Supervisor (I had two) found out the severity of what I deal with. I came to work with all right health, and then all of a sudden I am on the ladder trying to do my job and I start coughing viciously. I couldn't catch my breath, and I was all over the place. My body temperature shot up from 97 to 99.9. I was sitting down while my supervise ran to get a wheelchair, and personally take me to the hospital. Want to estimate how long I was at work? You probably think 3-4 hours. No..I was at work 30 minutes. My health failed in 30 minutes of contracting a virus.

Now I was expecting it, so don't get me wrong. The doctor admanantly told me this is what can happen, and what I need to do if it does. I told the two Human Resources, and they said tell them if I need to leave. Sometimes I did, sometimes I didn't have the opportunity. This is not a drug you want to bullshit with, it will kill you if you don't get yourself treated.

However, this disease had changed my life. For starters, it dropped the amount I can actually physically can do before my energy levels plummet. Before I got ill, I used to be able to work 3-5 days in a row with a lot of lifting. Then I started to fade when I got sick. I once dropped to the floor I was so exhausted, and the Human Resource was kind of condescending at that point.

"We can't keep doing this, Dana!"

Like it is MY fault. Yes, my fault that my body can't do it anymore, but it is working there that kept my insurance. Trust me, the drugs I was on were NOT cheap. So I was put on an every other day schedule. I would have one day to rest from the punishment, and do some more. Sometimes I did good, sometimes not so good.

That year, I had contracted bronchitis seven times that I can count. Usually it would take 2-3 weeks for my lungs to heal up, and I can climb ladders like nobodies business. This was true until one case I couldn't climb the ladder cause I had no breath. I ran out of antibiotics, and still couldn't catch my breath. I saw a doctor, and they said I have bronchospasm and gave me an inhaler.

Does that mean I am an asthmatic? Yes...sorta. I am not full blown where any moment I could have a really difficult time breathing, but I have moments. However, we found out how bad it was when I was at college (trying to get out of retail), I went face first into my keyboard due to a lack of oxygen. Finally someone noticed, and got the teacher over. 911 was dialed and I was rushed yet again to the hospital.

Breathing treatments and advice to followup at a later time, I was released being told my condition with my lungs were acute. It was pretty bad. So I saw my doctor the next day, and did a spirometer. I failed HORRIBLY! I was put on some more prednisone, and given a different Advair for a little while. A month later, I got to a point where I was functional, but I will continue to live on knowing that I have a problem in my lungs. Thankfully my latest bout of bronchitis, my doctor gave me a prescription for Medrol pack (prednisone in timed doses) to circumvent that.

As a result of the drugs and the disease, I got arthiritis in a majority of my joints, my activity level is signficantly less then others, and I have a badly broken jawline. Also, I shrunk a little (an inch or so). My lungs are so tampered that I can still contract bronchitis very easily, and yes, it does suck.

This is the first time I actually publically acknowledged any of these things. Usually if people asked I would tell them, but this is the first time I am letting the world know. You might wonder why I intend to gross people out like this, but I was only mildly graphical. The reason is this...

Someone said "You poor guy..", and I am told her "I am stronger because I endured it."

Think of it this way. A lot of folks can't handle the medication and drugs needed to treat my disease, and opt for a surgery. The surgery itself is risky, and can have later complication. Yes, I was at that point due to the high intensity of the pain. I have a high pain tolerance, but I have been dealing with pain that can drop a grown man to his knees for 7-8 months at that point. My doctor said hold on, let try this and if it gets to the point you are approaching acute, we will do the surgery. Thankfully, I got better.

So the fact I live to tell this story is a matter of strength. I have endured Hell, and manage to still keep coming back to Heaven.

So you are wondering what any of this has to do with animation or graphics. My answer this is the reason I do it. It gives me strength to see another day. It gives me curiousity to see where I can go to keep living. It is an outlet for my frustrations and pain. So my illness did change my life, and the way I look at making Poser. Happy Thanksgiving, I have lived one more year.

Right now, I am very close to wrapping up production of "Creeping Around". As it stands right now, I got 1 16 second shot and 1 28 second shot to complete, and all principle shots will be fully rendered. I will take a lot of lessons from here.

One very useful I tool I have found is the ability to remote desktop. This marvelous piece of software allows me to take control of one of my render computers over the network.

How useful is that?

Imagine it this way. My render computers are in a closet approximately 50 feet away from me. (May be a bit of an exaggeration, but think of it like that). It is hooked by a KVM switch, and yes I could sit at my Dad's computer to hook up my machine with the next render.

Think of that inconvenience. Also think of the fact that to check on the status, I have to go "Let me check something", and switch to the other computer. Argh.

Plus some of the content I am doing tend to be a little...you know. So what to do in those situations? I did try Logmein, and it works marvellously. I wasn't keen on the idea of going over the internet, but still it works nicely. Except for the fact Carrara doesn't like that idea at all. So, I had to explore other options.

Keep in mind, when I first discovered Remote Desktop, I read the description and got discourage I needed a terminal service. However, later down the road found this was indeed false. Well, you do need a terminal server running to use the browse function, but not to connect to the machine.

Since setting up Remote Desktop, I have found it to be a very time-saving tool. I can check on how the render it going without even leaving my room. I was getting mad frustrated cause it is a pain in the ass.

So with the latest clips I did out of the way, I can decide how to do the two big ones, and get this complete for post work, and then publish it for the devil finally..:)

The world would be a better place if all people tell you exactly what's wrong in the first place? Usually when I go to the Doctor, I don't tell him "I feel like crap." I tell him the main symptoms, and generally I am right on the ball of what's wrong with me. Of course, when you had bronchitis as near chronic as I had in the past few years, you pretty much know the symptoms of the bad. A deep bellowing cough, low-grade fever, inability to take a deep breath, and sometimes some shortness of breath. Yes, I had it that many times.

So when people come up to me, and go "My computer has a problem", it tends to make me want to strangle them. I would like to believe that even the most novice of computer users are intelligent enough to describe in their own way what is happening. Believe it or not, a person telling me they have no internet on the system does give me a little more information then "My computer has a problem." It gives me a starting point.

One of the grand reasons why I enjoy animating. I generally know what is occurring, and makes it easier for me to fix. It's just one of those things I guess.

Take for example this lovely lady to your right. When I brought her into Carrara, her maps got a little confused when I tried to condense them. It took awhile to figure out which ones went where, but got it worked out. Initially, the dress was black, but made a shader to have it go to blue. It worked out better, and made it look like an elegant gown this way I think.

I am back to animating I guess.:) It's the only way I find sanity.

This morning I continue production of the music video "Creeping Around", and this little picture is only a snapshot of what is to come. I won't give the story away, but let say it is a dark subject.

The most challenging part of this is that I was given a specific timeline of what needs to happen to match the music. When doing Heresy, I am not doing it with music in mind, and that might be a fault. The challenge lies in making it look good while containing it to those limits.

Will it be that million dollar music video? Afraid not. If it was ,I would have a few animators, and a lot more computers calculate them. However, like what I said with Heresy, this is a result of human passion to create the best we can.

Right now, I am nearing the closing of the footage needed, just need to process a few more clips, and it will be done. It is a little relief cause I have been working on it so long (in my mind anyways).

When someone came onto the newsgroup, and showed this Thanksgiving Dinner table provided in Carrara, he made a note that the jello could look better. Well..yes. So I got to playing and this is the result that came from it.

I said this multiple times before, and I will say it again. Defaults sometimes don't work well. (Except for default lights, they never work well). What I did in this picture was opened up the shader for the Jello to add transluncy, some Subsurface Scatter, and a little more tweaking. It looks a little more fluid now then what the person who said "It needs work".

It should go without saying that sometimes when you are doing 3d art, you need to play. Play a lot! I know, play sounds a little bad, but playing is fun. 3D art should be fun, otherwise we will get bored and why the hell would we do it?

If you are concerned about the title indicating the topic, let just say I was listening to the NiN song of that title at the time, and sleep deprivation has kicked in. If you want to get spiritual, philosophical, or whatever, fine...but at this present blog, I am not going into that type of thing.

Just wanted to take a break from commentating, and basically say where I am at right now. For the last few months, I have been working on a music video for the devil. Although that may sound odd, although strangely fitting considering some aspects I cover in my artwork, the artist dubs himself the devil. The video is nearly done, and once this is completed I will get back on the ball with Heresy.

As far as Heresy, I do have plans for these things. The time problem has been the same as always, I am the only animator. This could be alleviated, but a few concerns come into play. A lot of the content used is not my own. I purchased a license to use it in the pictures, but I don't have the right to put it on another person system. At the same time, it isn't fair of me to demand anybody to purchase the amount of stuff that I own so they would be able to use it.

Carrara almost alleviates this. It actually saves the model in a format that makes it a little difficult to extract on it's own, but that could be me. The problem remains: It's not perfect getting Poser content in without a little help from Transposer. Kind of wish Poser would develop a way for us to exchange Poser files with the character intact in them without actually putting the source content at risk. Wishful thinking.

I have once (maybe a few times) received criticism that I should model my own figures, do my own textures, blah blah. Well, doing my own textures is an eventuality. Modelling is not my forte though. I used to feel bad about it until I started reading a few books, and found out professional studios just have people who do animating and a department who does the modelling. So where does the criticism that I should model my own human's/monsters come into play?

Frankly, Daz provides a lot of content that can be used, and it would consume a great deal of my time trying to recreate it. So am I less of an artist because I am not one of those elitist who can model, animate, and tie their own shoes with Maya or such? I don't believe so. The rational is this: Art is not in the machine, software, or even the content you can use with it.

Art is an expression of the mind. The machine in all it glory cannot replicate this, and for the most part this is good. It means someone has to sit behind the mouse and keyboard, and tap tap tap. People tend to get lost in that, but art truly does come from the mind.

So when someone tells me "Oh you need to do this...", I just ignore them. I don't need to particulary do anything, because frankly, can they tell Heresy like I can? Do they know the soul behind the redhead known as Kayla? Do they understand the fundamentals of deep dark world I create? Probably not, so why should they get on me about the technical crap? So I don't know how to model, but I know how to tell a story.

Episode 1 was not made on the fact I knew how to model, it was made on the fact I learned enough about lighting and movement to portray emotional impact and response. So those folks who look at Poser, and go "Eww..", there always a few words I could nastily say. However, the kindest one is that they are only tools, our paintbrushes. We cannot rely on just one tool to get the job done.

I did find my USB Key for Lightwave (woot), and Poser 7 Pro is coming with hosting for Lightwave (woot woot). I have been thinking for awhile of bringing it into Lightwave, and doing something outrageous things. In time, I do want to progress that route. However, I don't want to go into Lightwave thinking I rock simply cause I use Lightwave. That is overly shallow. I want to rock because I can use Lightwave well enough to portray an emotional response. >:)

Thats all I have for now..

Let's just say it is one of those weeks where I am just about as mindless as they get. No, I didn't sit in front of the tv, or played hours and hours of video games. Instead, I went to work at six in the morning. If anybody complains, here is the scoop: I am not a morning person!

I am the type of person who could wake up to go to work at 2pm, and be happy. The later the hour, the better. Hell, overnight seems appealing. Six in the morning, there better be a damn good reason get me up hellishly early so I am functional at that time.

I know there are folks out there who work in the morning, and will probably go "Quit your bitching".

My answer: No.

It wouldn't be so bad if I was weened into mornings. I went from working 9-6 to 6-3 with only two days off to try to readjust my schedule. ARGH!

Schedule anything at too early in the morning, and I will sick this ghostly girl at you!

Yesterday, I was helping a friend with their Poser issue over the Internet using a Remote Desktop program, and found myself telling her "Do not under any circumstances....". I have to wonder what right do I have to say that, or when I even earn that priveledge to put it more accurately. Am I truly better then others to actually dictate that flow of creativity?

In this circumstance, I was telling her not to follow the same formula as a few others who I tend to criticize their artwork. A lot of these reasons are due to their talents appear to be stunted by following a formula dictated by a certain limitation. This limitation, however, is self-imposed as the program itself actually has more capabilities, or better yet, there are things you can do outside the program to make your stuff more appealing.

Kat and I share the same vision on what we want for E-Fed poser artwork, and in a nutshell, it can be called diversity. For example, one picture I did for one of her characters had a ground camera angling up at a woman. The expression from the woman gave she was looking down at some peasant. This summerize the type of character she wanted to portray, and this was a lot better then straight ahead camera. Straight ahead camera would of not given that same powerful expression. For another character, I would use a different angle that would fit. This diversity, in our collective opinion, draws more attention to the character then a standardize background with standardize lighting.

The question remains what gives me the right to tell people how to do their Poser work? I don't believe I ever did tell people how to make my type of image, because to be honest I don't follow any particular set of rules. I think what I was expression to Kat overall was to take what I mention how to do things on the technical level, but to allow her creative expression dictate how it would flow through. It just amazes me when someone said "Someone taught me how to make this kind of poser" and they only tweaked their style a little. The most this person did differently was change how he used the lights, and kept them as a default file. That stunts the creative growth because it doesn't allow you to mix it up a little.

Overall, I think I will stick by teaching the technical aspects of the program, but leave the creativity to the person. Of course, if one asked how to achieve a certain effect in mind, I can show them if I know, or experiment a little then show them. Individual creative expression is what makes us unique, and I wouldn't deny someone from following their own path.

I think my overall goal when encouraging Poser artists is to just be yourself. Don't copy my style, which is impossible since it is ever growing. I rather be unique then straight from a factory.

When I mention I work for Dell, I get quite a varient amount of responses. There is, of course, Dell sucks, and there is always that it must suck to be me. Of course there is always the statement about being from India. While it is safe to say from supporting the XPS Line of Business, I have my hands full due to high price range of these systems. The only system that beat them are Precisions, but that is escalating off topic.

A good deal of customers have flatout told me over the phone that Dell sucks. Clients tend to be less incline to say that, but I believe this is due to the fact the Information Technology Department more then often contacts me. Their perception based on their background versus average Customers with no IT background leads to a better communication channel. If a hard drive crashes, they know it can happen without warning so it is not something that is entirely Dell's fault. Customers, without technical background, want their machines running one hundred percent of the time. So their perception of Dell sucks half the time is because something happen they didn't expect, and therefore it is a bad machine.

The other reason Dell might suck in their eyes is because we have technical support over the phone versus sending a technician out. We try to utilize many tools to assist them better, but this seems to be a great inconvienance for them. At my particular call center, we are staffed by A+ college educated technicians, and this seems to not good enough. We have endless patience in helping them open the case up and try to find out what part is failing, and yet we are still the bad guys.

The best one is we suck when we tell them we do not support 3rd Party Hardware/Software. This includes viruses, browser extensions, and other software related issues. Despite it being explicitly spelled out in their warranty, we suck. I do my best to try to guide the customer to the light side, but in the end of the day, someone somewhere is regretting they bought a Dell because they downloaded spyware. Clients are not as bad in this regard due to Information Technology Department. They are aware of these issues, and they know these type of things can happen. The fact is you have paid me to perform a particular function, and I will perform that to my utmost ability, but I will not leap so far out of scope for you. If it turns out that I suck, then that is something I have to deal with.

When folks here what my job is at Dell, they sometimes have sympathy for me. They are not the ones who sit on the phones to listen to a barrage when we try to help them, and they can emphasize that is not the type of job they want. Do I have a thankless job? Sometimes, it does feel that way. Sometimes, it feels like that no matter what I do, I am still the enemy. Some customers even gone that it must be difficult diagnosing an issues purely on description, and to some degree it is. So to listen in for clues from the customer's statements, and trying to find a point to steer towards to the resolution came be very difficult. Sometimes I get thank, sometimes I get phrased, and sometimes customer leave in a huff. So I can see where some might feel sorry for me, but this is something I do with pride. If I can save one computer, I am happy.

The silliest notion I hear is that I work in India. Dell has made steps to bring Technical Support back to the United States, and I am among those initial agents that was hired in that move. I am very much in the United States, and no intentions on moving anywhere else. Due to my neutral accent, it is quite difficult to tell where I am from as I don't say Y'all. I am just one of those hard working XPS Agents who taking in United States calls to assist customers with their needs. This puts a lot of customers at ease because they can understand me, and the fact I am laid back with them doesn't hurt. Although I do have company time to account for, I do not rush the customer at all.

There are times when people wonder why I do what I do for a living, and the shortest answer is because it's something I am good at. Some customers may believe Dell sucks for any variety of reasons they chose from, but in the end I am one of the reasons why some people stay with Dell. Their computers goes down, I take steps to get it back up for them. So the perception of Dell sucks is merely that. A perception. Along with other agents, I have committed to making the perception that Dell Rocks.